Video of my performance at the Calgary Story Slam. The theme for the event was truth!
No one wants to bang listening to your iPhone
Nobody wants to bang listening to your iPhone. It is a fact. Tinder notifications while undressing with your current partner only remind them that you are currently filling the emotional vacuum of your 20’s with Internet validation and a never ending parade of damaged goods. We are all floating down the River Styx but there is no need to remind your pre-coitus partner that your penis or vagina is still floating in the cyber underworld river even as you prepare for penetration, entration, or scissoring. #WhatEverFloatsYourBoat
Have a little class. Invest in a stereo. No one is saying you have to go out and buy a record player and become a vinyl douche but just go buy some speakers and a receiver that won’t constantly blare out your iPhone notifications. At the very least use something other than your laptop’s built in speakers in the bedroom. The sounds of your love making should never have more dynamic range than your listening speakers. You're trying to cultivate an atmosphere and that atmosphere shouldn't include unwanted email alerts and 7 unnecessary texts from your friend [Larry]. Jesus [Larry], those 7 lines could all be in one text. And no, I don't know why Tinder is down and when it'll be back up. It's 1:30 in the morning [Larry].
Also, I can’t stress enough that lighting matters. You are setting a terrible tone by illuminating your love making with the glow of the iTunes track browser. Do you put florescent lights in a bedroom? No, florescent lights are for cubicle farms and interrogation rooms. But if you want your love making to feel like a non-consensual commercial transaction by all means let your laptop illuminate the bedroom. For the love of God just get some dimmer switches or lamps that have dimmer switches. The four best things to happen to sex are music, penicillin, the condom, and dimmer switches.
Ranking of Dope Love Making Music Machines:
Barely better than your laptop speaker but at least it is a start. This is the Car2Go of musical devices. Functional and practical but far from sexy. Appropriate for tubing down a river or providing some background noise when you are blackout drunk in the park but far from what you want in the bedroom. Be sure to turn off your phone notifications though, because you don't want your pelvic thrusts lining up to Facebook poke alerts.
Grade D+
Now we are getting somewhere! A good DAC can sound amazing. Just don't pipe your OS X notifications through this bad boy or you'll hear that email chime with a clarity that will shake the walls of your love nest. Get yourself some nice FLACs to pump through one of these into a decent amp and set of speakers and you won't regret it. Also, you never have to get up to flip sides so your love making can be a less rushed experience.
Grade B+
Here we go. Sounds great and won't make a peep when you get that unwanted work email. However, it's not all roses. You are only going to get about 22 minutes a side so you'd better incorporate an intermission into your love making marathon or just try to wrap things up within 22 minutes. Also, your not going to be skipping around tracks once you start making out so be sure to choose a good side and be prepared to make your move by the start of the second track (on average).
Grade A-
Dude or Dudette, you are literally crushing it. Are those VU meters measuring the music or your sexual ecstasy? No one knows or cares. You have it figured out. Just look at that thing. Not only do you enjoy music but you insist on sharing that experience with maximum swag. You've got maximum quality here without having to worry about changing sides after 22 minutes. Love making with you is far from a rushed experience.
Grade? You are beyond grades at this point, you are the fucking instructor.
14-Jul-2015 Story Slam
Thanks to everyone who came out to the Story Slam, especially Lindsay and Jim! Telling a story about the first time I played shit chicken with a Vietnamese bus driver was a blast. Sharing stories at the slam is by far the best part, but it still feels pretty good to win one too :)
Also, thanks to all the organizers who volunteer their time and make sure it's a full house (Susan Cormier, Bryant Ross, Clint Wilson, Tim Tanner, and Rhonda Milne). Check out the Vancouver Story Slam Facebook page for more information and make sure to support this amazing local event!
Vancouver Story Slam June 9th
Thanks to everyone who came out to the Story Slam, especially my Dad who made the trip from Victoria! The crowd was excellent last night and it was awesome to come in 2nd place telling a story about my Dad and I. Happy Father's Day Dad, and I'll try not to put another cheese sandwich in the VCR.
Also, thanks to all the organizers who volunteer all their time to put on this event (Susan Cormier, Bryant Ross, Clint Wilson, Tim Tanner, and Rhonda Milne). Check out the Vancouver Story Slam Facebook page for more information and make sure to support this amazing local event.
Vancouver Story Slam
Thanks to everyone who made it out to the story slam tonight and helped me win! The story slam is a really great event and I really encourage everyone to check it out and participate. You can learn more at https://www.facebook.com/groups/4261577055/. Below is the real life experience I recounted at the slam!
Operation Curly Sunset
Adolescence is a difficult time for young men. They are unable to trust the stability of their thoughts, emotions, or voice. Their minds are overrun with testosterone, making rational thought impossible. Their only reprieve are the few fleeting post mastabatorial moments of clarity until their minds inevitably return to the fog of naked women and the Fast and Furious.
Because of this young men find themselves doing things that defy explanation.
Things like:
Why am I in this trashcan?
Why am I peeing on that?
Why am I lighting this compacted screecheroo so close to my face?
I was no exception to this rule and my story details one of the many unfortunisms that accompanied my adolescence.
The year was 2005, Facebook was a shiny new toy, I had just graduated high school, and it seemed like youth, the success of G-Unit, and my virginity would last forever. For 5 years I had tried to get some hands on experience with the opposite sex but had only managed to get a Bachelors in Blitzkrieg masturbation from the Universities of Morpheus and Maxim Magazine.
However, I had just started my first semester at UBC and met an awesome girl who I felt might finally give me the chance to shed my virginity. I was greatly relieved at this prospect as the great masturbation marathon that was high school had left my supply of tube socks dangerously low and my spirits even lower.
But now hope had returned and everything felt amazing. I was filled with what I thought was love for this girl but truthfully in hindsight it was more likely desperation, depression, and a near constant erection.
We had being dating for a while and I felt we were getting close to dancing the dance that requires no pants. Although this prospect excited me greatly, a great sense of anxiety accompanied. Having no sexual experience of my own I decided I should consult some reference material. Luckily over the years I had managed to painstakingly build a digital library of pornography.
After analyzing the material for trends I noticed two things that alarmed me greatly. Firstly, none of the men in the reference material seemed to have pubic hair. Secondly, all the men had distressingly large penises. I became overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy and the urge to violently fear vomit.
However, at this dark moment I remembered a quote from one of my favorite books, Dune.
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
I couldn’t enlarge my penis, but I could remove my pubic hair; hopefully, by some miracle creating an optical illusion. I decided to launch operation code named Curly Sunset. The little bastards had to go.
Blinded by hubris and liquor I launched the operation immediately within the privacy of my dorm room. I concluded the best tool for the operation was a power tool, my trusty Remington three headed electric razor.
An unfortunate choice.
As I brought the razor toward my scrotum I created an unexpected quagmire. Instead of a cutting action the razor performed a rapid and violent winding action exerting near black hole like forces upon my sensitive scrotal sack.
(Jammed Razor noise) I heard the sound before I felt the pain.
When my brain finally reacted to my testicular jeopardy I instinctually yanked the razor in a powerful and continuous motion away from my scrotum.
Another unfortunate choice.
It was as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I collapsed over backwards hitting my head on the corner post of my bed on the way down and began slipping in and out of consciousness as a result of blood loss and shame.
I awoke to St Peter, that’s what I call my Australian friend Peter, taking a picture of my bloody, naked, pube-less body. To this day I am not sure who was laughing louder, Peter or the razor still manically buzzing away in the corner.
Operation Curly Sunset had been a disaster. To this day my testacles still recede at the telling of this tale. However, like most unfortunisms, operation curly sunset served as a valuable learning experience. Power, speed and, force are not always the best way to solve a problem, especially when that problem involves you genitals.More importantly I learned, you can un-tag facebook photos but you can’t erase experience. The only real threat to your sex life is your imagined inadequacies.
The Riz @ Lafflines 6-Mar-2014 →
What a great set to another sold out house! Many thanks to my fellow comics and Janice Bannister for organizing another great showcase. If you have any interest in Standup Comedy I highly recommend Janice's course. Information available at www.laughterzone101.com
Special thanks to Alec, Big Cat, Cosmin, Dale, and Dad for coming out to support me. Makes a huge difference having friends in the audience for support!
Lastly, a final fuck you to CTV and Kevin Bacon.
Chris Jericho!!!
COWBELL
So guess who just broke down the walls of Rizico. Chris FUCKING Jericho gave me a retweet and my phone and site exploded with traffic. The only way to describe this feeling is with more cowbell. Thanks to all you Jerichoholics and please check out my standup in the videos section or below!
Site Launch
Well, I finally got around to completing a website. Someone should tell my Grade 11 Computer Science teacher that I did something with a computer other than look at disturbing pornography (#2girls1cup). This site will be a place where I post rants, upcoming performances, and videos. Basically, Facebook without all the people that don't matter.
Cheers,
The Riz