W.L. Gore & Associates, creator of GORE-TEX fabric and WINDSTOPPER products, has unveiled its newest innovation -- a specially coated material designed to block insults and verbal mockery.
Called TAUNTSTOPPER®, the new fabric is the result of "years and years" of tests in the field as well as the lab. A Gore spokeswoman said runners can expect to see TAUNTSTOPPER clothing in stores as early as fall 2014. The company made its announcement at last week's Outdoor Retailer trade show in Salt Lake City, Utah.
"For too long, outdoor athletes such as runners and cyclists have been subjected to catcalls, jeers, and other antagonistic verbal abuse, and they've had no choice but to take it," the company said in a news release. "Those days are over. Thanks to TAUNTSTOPPER®, now your apparel can absorb insults so you don't have to."
The company isn't saying exactly how the technology works, but industry experts speculate that the fabric's fibers are coated with polymers that can absorb or deflect sound waves at frequencies most typically associated with scorn, contempt, and belittlement. True to Gore's mission, the new fabric does "breathe," the news release stressed, allowing perspiration to evaporate.
According to Gore, here is a list of things that TAUNTSTOPPER® will reliably block, from as little as six feet away:
- Chants of "Run, Forrest! Run!"
- Pedestrians saying, "Nice shorts!"
- Motorists shouting, "Get off the road!"
- Anything uttered by a teenager
- Whistles and catcalls from creepy men, as well as any phrase including the word "baby"
- Hoots
- Hollers
"This is a game-changer," the news release concluded. "No longer must runners and cyclists endure the humiliation of derisive, hostile, or juvenile comments while on the roads and trails. Clad in TAUNTSTOPPER® apparel, they'll be able to focus on what's most important -- enjoying a great run or ride in peace."
In addition to shorts, pants, technical shirts, and jackets, running gear manufacturers are expected to add TAUNTSTOPPER® technology to running hats and beanies, to guard against snarky comments emanating from high windows and balconies.
Gore would not address rumors that it is developing a material, called StafKote, that would repel nasty comments directed at runners online, such as those made in Wall Street Journal op-eds.
Reaction to the announcement has been 100% positive, said the Gore spokeswoman, who herself was wearing TAUNTSTOPPER® from head to toe.
"It's been terrific," she said. "I've heard absolutely nothing negative."
Disclaimer: This "article" is satirical. TAUNTSTOPPER® does not exist, and no one is working on a material called StafKote, which would "repel nasty comments directed at runners online, such as those made in Wall Street Journal op-eds." W.L. Gore & Associates does exist, though they had nothing to do with the creation of this article. The existence of Mark Remy is a matter of some dispute.
